I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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