she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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