I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
