if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
