She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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