I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
