Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
