I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
