Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
