You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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