THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
