I haven't been this sober since birth.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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