I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
