finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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