I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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