You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
