Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
