Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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