tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I need a burrito and a hug.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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