no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This is my gift to your gina
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
