I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
