he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
