Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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