My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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