i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
