Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
