I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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