My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
