you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
