I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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