Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
