Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
