i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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