Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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