Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
