I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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