When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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