My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
