a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
