I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
