Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
