I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
