Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
