Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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