All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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