he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
