The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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