I cut my penus on the lid.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
