Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
