I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
