I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
