Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
