can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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